Sacred gift of choice.

I am very agonized by national service, inefficiency in general, religion and cause and effects.

"There are some things that are decided by God, for the rest, we are given the sacred gift of choice." this was what I learnt after watching a show the other day. I spent a day pondering about choices and effects.

why do I feel so sad in ns?

what can I do to make it better?

If I am in a situation because of the choices I made, I can only blame myself. but if I am suffering because I landed in a situation not by my own choices but by the influence of others, I can only suffer in silence.

Take a look at national service. there are people who enjoyed theirs, why must mine be such an agony.

Most of my friends went to slack companies and had a very easy time, I went to Cougar instead. I don't blame this, because it was by my own actions. I went to Cougar because I wasn't fit. I don't regret being in Cougar either; I had a great buddy, became fit, learnt a lot of important values there.

(though it would have been better if I had a slack time like most of my friends, but again maybe then I wouldn't have learnt what I have learnt today.)

I didn't went to command school, though I don't know this was because of my actions or others'. I do know I didn't end up in Engineer formation by choice. 12 formations, you had to pick Engineers,the worst of all, for me?

(okay, at least Engineers have its own perks.)

Then, of so many companies, I had to end up in Bravo, the most fucked up one.

so I spend 2 years of my time, doing things that are absolutely useless in my future life in great details for nothing, putting on a show that nobody watches while my friends learn useful stuff that can help them in their future life, or really do their duty to serve the nation, either to guard our country or help it's people.

I want to serve my nation too, but I want to do something useful, not put on a show.

If I'm posted to something like kynaston or weixun, at least I'm operational, I'm really defending my motherland.

If I'm posted to SPF or SCDF, I'll be serving my fellowmen, maintaining peace and order in my country.

why?

I don't have a say in all these, I'm here not because of my own actions but because I'm just unlucky.

why am I so unlucky?

Just my luck.

Also, if God was all-powerful and cares for us, why is the world in such a bad shape now? Natural disasters, over-population, diseases and illnesses, terrorists, economic crises, and many more.

If there is a God, what has he been doing?

I have so many doubts in religion.

not that I don't believe in God, there are just too many questions.

I'm agnostic.